As requested by anon. :) 

Bleach soul reapers have arrived late! What excuse will each of them give? 

Soi Fon: Sorry I’m late. I had more important things to do.

Hisagi: Sorry I’m late. I got lost. Again.

Kenpachi: Sorry I’m late. I’ve been on my way here for like three days. I think maybe Yachiru gave me some bad directions.

Yachiru: Sorry I’m late! Ken-chan was fighting!

Hinamori: Sorry I’m late! I overslept and would have taken a shortcut but I’ve been unable to take shortcuts ever since doing so led me to discover what I thought was the dead body of my captain! 

Matsumoto: Sorry I’m late. I am *super* hungover.

Kurotsuchi: Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come. 

Nemu: Sorry I’m late. I was tied up.

Kyoraku: Sorry I’m late! I was aiming for a nap, but I seem to have gone into hibernation.

Nanao: Sorry I’m late. I had to wake up my lazy-ass captain.

Yamamoto: Sorry I’m late. I got my beard stuck in the toaster.

Sasakibe: Sorry I’m late! I set all of my clocks to England time to feel more English and now I never know what time it is!

Omaeda: Sorry I’m late. Had to finish lunch.

Ukitake: Sorry I’m late! I fainted on the way over!

Kiyone & Sentaro: Sorry we’re late! We had to carry our captain back to the barracks!

Gin: Sorry I’m late. I wanted to tease you a little. 

Aizen: Sorry you thought I was late when actually I was here the entire time. Behind you.

Tosen:  Sorry I am late. I became distracted thinking about justice.

Hanataro: Sorry I’m late! I had to clean the barracks and polish the floors and help Squad 11 move furniture and clean the sewers and write some reports before I could come! 

Byakuya: Sorry I am late. I was practicing my comedy routine and lost track of the time.

Yumichika: Sorry I’m late. Arriving beautiful is more important than arriving in time. 

Ikkaku: Sorry I’m late. Had to shave my head.

Ichigo: Sorry I’m late. I was busy saving the world. Again.

Kira: Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t find my abdomen. 

Rose: Sorry I’m late! I had to wait for the properly dramatic moment to arrive.

Shinji: Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t decide which tie to wear.

Kensei: Sorry I’m late. I was babysitting my stupid lieutenants.

Mashiro: Sorry I’m late! I didn’t realize I was supposed to come! 

Unohana: Sorry I’m late. Yamamoto ordered me to stay in the barracks.

Isane: Sorry I’m late. I was with Captain Unohana.

Iba: Sorry I’m late! I couldn’t find my sunglasses!

Rukia: Sorry I’m late! I was looking for Renji!

Renji: Sorry I’m late. I fell asleep in a tree. 

 Sorry I’m late. I have very tiny legs.

Yoruichi: Sorry I’m late! I ran so fast that I ended up in the future!

 Sorry I am late. I saw a squirrel.


*re-reads sex chapter of fanfiction over breakfast cereal like it’s the morning paper*